start of the story :)

I have neglected this blog since my life has been so busy. I apologize blog, just know that you are loved and often thought of. I will act upon that love more.

So here is what has happened recently.

On September 7 of this year I met a very amazing man that I had no idea would mean so much to me by this point.

His name is Dallas Robert Aguilar. I knew of him because I was on high school teams with his younger sister.

There I was at the institute opening social. I stood at the counter to get a drink, leaving my friends for a few moments. In those moments I heard a voice to see Dallas asking me if I was a Phelps. I didn't know what to say but I guess I wanted to tease a flirt a little so i told him I was not a Phelps. He stood there feeling stupid for a bit. Then i explained to him that i really was.

We talked for a few minutes this night. He was on my mind this weekend and has been there ever since. We started talking more and hung out and hit things off.

We started dating on September 23 when he invited me to his family gathering. We kissed that night and established that we were dating.

We have gone on many dates together. When I am with him I feel good and that everything is going to be okay. I love being with him. He is so funny and sweet.

Our relationship, though it is still a seed has not gone without it's struggles. We decided we need to take a step back since things were getting way serious way fast and some things that are supposed to happen in a relationship has not happened yet. I agreed with this but it was way hard for me to know that I might not mean as much to him as he does to me. But that step back was necessary.

We are still in the step back and things couldn't be better. Our relationship has much less pressure. We are more able to be ourselves and just enjoy each other's company. Things are so easy. I am so myself around him. He even knows about my hairy legs and he still likes me. how? I don't know but its great.

He is such an amazing man. I truly care for him and want him to be happy. He is so great to everyone he knows and shows people he cares. He is close to all of his family and gets along with them well. He is an example to me that I need in my life.

I am so thankful for him in my life. No one has ever meant this much to me. He makes me feel good and proud to be me. I never feel less when I am with him. He lets me know how he feels about me and is always honest even if it is hard to hear. He is just great.

Half crazy? Crazy? Or completely insane??

I stared at my computer that Thursday afternoon deciding whether or not I wanted to pick my death date. My mom was encouraging me that I could do it! I knew I could, I knew I wouldn’t die if I did the right training... i just didnt know exactly what i was getting into.

So I did it, before I could change my mind, I chose October 13, 2012 to be either the date that I truly live, or the day I die.

That is the day I plan to run my first marathon. I knew I could do it! I’ve done a triathlon out of the blue, it was hard but I survived.

 

It’s been my goal to do one ever since before I can remember, never once did I imagine it would be this soon, and with this little of training!

There was 7 weeks until the big day so I decided to go straight to work.

That night my mom and I went to the gym, I ran 2 miles and that’s when I realized how stupid I was! I thought to myself ‘you can't do this' 'you can hardly run 2 miles' 'this is not for you'. But I had already paid and agreed.

The next day I went out and ran 8 miles. The most I have ever run. I said to me, 'if you can pull 8 miles out of your butt, you can run a marathon with training'.

I ran the 8 miles fine, with a little sore muscles the next day, but I did it. I knew I could do this marathon.

I ran small distances every day the next week.

On Saturday morning I volunteered at a half marathon called "only half crazy" seeing all the people that were running I once again got discouraged. They were all so fit and prepared, and I wasn't and I was running twice the distance they were!

That night my father and I went out for my first really long run. We planned a route that would be 12 miles. I had planned to finish in 2 hours and 20 minutes. Seeing as I didn’t think I could run at a decent pace for that long. When we got to seven miles I told my dad I wanted to tack on another mile and just make it a half. We did and I ended up running a half marathon in 2 hours and 13 minutes! That’s less than I thought it would take me to run less! I was so happy! And that is when I truly knew I could do it. It just takes mind power. And of course for the marathon I will need to train greatly, but I can do it!

So that is what I am, completely insane. I am training for a marathon in 7 weeks.

 

To those who doubt, ill prove you wrong. You have no idea how fast I am able to rise from the ashes.

How's this for adventure?

It was the last night of camp and Rachel and I were determined it would go out with a bang!

Me, Rachel and a couple boys decided to go skinny dipping around 12:30. We had planned where the opposite sexes would be, seeing that going together would be highly inappropriate.
The boys were scheduled to go to the cove, me and Rachel claimed the dock.

Rachel and I walked down to the dock fully clothed. We undressed under our towells and were completely nude under them when Rachel became very concerned that some other human was among us. We looked around when we saw some one on the dock walking towards us. We could tell they had no clothing on for you could see the outline of their naked body.

Finally the unkown person spoke "have you guys gotten in yet?" it asked. Alarm came over me and Rachel, for the voice we heard, was a boys voice!! Our heads snap up to expose our faces and Nick saw that we were girls. He panicked and jumped in the lake hoping to not expose himself.

Once he was in the water he made sure we didnt see anything-which I didn't, then went on to beg us to get in. I would have never gotten in the water naked with another boy!

As we walked off the dock we came across Zach Roberts who was skinny dipping with Nick but was hiding when the whole encounter happened.



Rachel and I went away from the dock so that when we stripped our towells off they would not see. We began to walk into the water when I started peeing. I could not hold it so i threw my towell off me because I did not want to get pee on it. So there I stood, completely nude and vulnerable in front of Rachel. I began to crawl into the water cause I felt more secure the closer I was to the ground. Rachel screamed at me "Natalie! There's someone coming!" I quickly got balled up to not expose myself completely. It was my cousin, Erica, who I had gone skinny dipping with 2 days previously. She was trying to tell us something but we couldnt hear her over the crashing sounds of that waves (there was a big storm that night) so we told her to leave.

After she was gone Rachel finally got in with me and we swam around for a while. Once we got out we started a mad search for our towells! We could not remember where we threw them and the shore looked the same so we weren't sure where we got in. Finally I found mine and Rachel found hers a few minutes later. We went up to camp, hung out for a bit then went to bed, knowing that camp had ended with an explosion!

The next morning everyone knew!! That's what happens when Zach Roberts knows, he tells everyone!

I was able to talk to Erica about what happened. She shared that her and Stanford were enjoying the lovely night when they look over to see naked bodies on the beach! She saw us girls and the boys that had kicked us off the dock. She was only coming down to warn us that there was boys only a little ways away from us, Not knowing that we had already bumped into their nakedness.

It was a pretty great way to end my summer at Bear Lake. Every single detail of things that went wrong made the night so great. Loved it!

Glad it happened, Glad its over

As I mentioned in my most recent post, I will be working at Bear Lake Aquatics Base for the next 5 weeks.

Up at the camp I met a great guy named Jake Johnson. We kind of hit it off from the start. We just started to like each other and didn't really question it. The first week we hung out a lot and it was really fun. I felt pretty comfortable with him but I wasn't exactly myself for some reason.

The next week I went to girl’s camp. We kept in touch when I was gone and I returned back to camp on that Saturday. That night we watched a movie and well, what I had expected to happen, happened. I gave him my first kiss. We kissed for a while but I wasn't thoroughly enjoying it because it was my first time and it felt weird. After a while I got used to it though. Ha-ha.

The following Tuesday he started acting weird and I just acted kind of normal but didn't hang out with him a lot. Finally on Friday I confronted him about what was going through his head and he expressed that this was only a camp relationship. I was really sad and hurt but life went on.

The next week I found out all the things he had been telling the other staff members about what happened between us and I was completely upset. I can't believe that he actually had me fooled into thinking that he cared about me, when in reality I was a huge joke to him.

 I’m not happy that I fell for such a disguised jerk, but in a way I am grateful that I did because it taught me a lot.

I know that what happened between us was necessary for me and that it was crucial for it to end.

Like I said, glad it happened, glad it’s over!

Unseen Answer

Once there was a man in the middle of a lake. He had gotten a cramp and could no longer swim the distance he set for himself, let alone swim to survive. As he began to struggle with staying afloat he prayed to his heavenly father begging him to save him. He had faith in his father so when a boat passed by and offered their assistance he denied saying “my god will save me.”  A short while later another float approached him asking him to get on the boat. He again replied “no thanks, my god will save me”. After the boat had gone out of sight, he died. When death engulfed him and he was able to see his maker he asked “god, why didn’t you save me?” god then replied, “I sent you 2 boats”.

End of story

So there I was once again surrounded by the pressure that those words would bring to the enjoyable conversation I was having with my family. My older brother Jordan had stated that there was an open position at Bear Lakes Aquatics Base.

He and my sister and brother were all employed there this summer. They have been living at the lake during the week and occasionally coming home on the weekends.

This same statement has been mentioned several times before, with the same events to follow so what happens next was predicted the second those words left his lips. My mother immediately looked at me as if silently urging me to accept the job. My sister and her new boyfriend, who also works there, started pressuring me to join their scout camp crew. “It’s so much fun!” “Look at the view” “you’ll get paid so much more” “you can leave chick-fil-a” The same bickering comments that were shed countless times before. Only this time they felt different. It wasn’t the words themselves; it was the timing and the opportune moment…

For weeks now I have praying to heavenly father asking him to bless me with a job that I will get enough hours at so that I will be able to afford college in the fall. No jobs have come up, except this one. This one job that I have turned down on numerous occasions. But, this time the story that I shared at the beginning of this crossed my mind. I thought to myself, how can I turn down what he is so clearly trying to give me?

It took one minute of courage, one minute to forget all the fun my friends would have back home, one minute to forget the money I had already invested into my summer at home. In that one minute was when I decided to work at Bear Lake Aquatics Base.

Why was it this job that continued to pop up? I don’t know yet but I know that god does, and that it is for a good reason. Maybe it is to help me to become more independent for my mission. Or maybe I will be living in similar living conditions on my mission. Or possibly I could meet my husband there. Those are the big reasons I could think of but I’m almost positive this is for a great purpose.

Military ball:)

So, my family has this amazing annual tradition.. Any guesses at what its called? yes, the military ball. whats that? well the national guard band plays to you live while you dance to their music. its alot different than high school dances because you actually ballroom dance instead of do variations of 'moshing'.
my extended family goes to this every year because my cousin and uncle are in the band. I have been going for 4 years now. The first year i was 14 and couldnt really date so i took my best friend Madi. that year it was at the capitol-so beautiful-. the next year i was 15 and went on a 'safe date' with a boy i was obsessed with and i didn't even know him-sam wiscombe. well needless to say, it was awkward. To this day I dont know what my mind was thinking. oh well, he's still a great guy:) haha last year i took a good friend Thomas Illu. Madi brought Ethan Marsh whom she met at EFY that previous summer.
this year i took Nathan Palmer. now heres a little back story to him.


flashback:
i was a sophmore then.. so there i was at the jordan landing movie theatre seeing "the lightning theif" i look to my right and behind me there is a boy that i found very attractive sitting with his family. after the movie we were both standing in the same hall with our families. he looked so familiar so i kind of continued staring at him. then when i got on facebook that night i remembered why! A week before this encounter his cousin Joel began talking to me on facebook. So, i looked at his pictures to see what he was all about. As I was pondering where I saw this great man i remember Joel! so i go look at his pictures and there he is.
Well, life went on and my friend Taylor Bagshaws birthday came up, i went to his party, and sure enough this mysterious dream boy was there. i was so excited and twitterpated. i talked to him alot this night and we each established we were friends:) i found out he was going to be a sophmore next year, so yes i hopped aboard the cougar train.
the football game to kick off the school year came in late summer and he was there. that night we hung out alot! but you know who he was getting to know... chelsea warner. my good friend. great. well i figured there was never a chance for me anyways so i let her take the reigns on his heart if he so pleased.
they went through the year, we think liking eachother, but not so sure. either way, near the end he did not like her. and i still secretly admired his every move. he made me die.:)
senior year came along and we were still friends. not very good ones it seamed but when ever we hung out it was like we were best friends:) i asked him to the sadie hawkins dance. that was the funnest dance i have ever been to! their was 13 couples in our group so it was pretty large. for the day activity we went to a park and played games, which sounds dumb but it was so much fun! me, madi, kenzie and our dates went as minions from the movies 'despicable me'. we both wore yellow shirts, but i wore overalls and he wore suspenders. that night was real fun! the best date i have ever been on!!!
till last night..:)


back to present times
i wore my black and white homecoming dress since it was short so i would be able to dance in it easily. i also wore a red and black blazer over it which matched my lipstick.
we picked up jeffery poole-my sisters date. and then went to his house, when I went to his door he said bye to his family and we started walking to my car when his mom came running out. she said "wait i didnt get to meet her" then she saw me and said "oh, ive met you" she said i looked pretty and we hugged. we got in the car and began to make our way to my cousins house. kathryn and jeff were in the front seats while me, nathan and my mom were crammed in the back because my father was in cedar city with the truck. lucky enough, it was not awkward with mom there. the conversations came easy and when there was silences it was not awkward.
we arrived at the brown ferrin house. i greeted my cousins enthusiastically and introduced them to nathan. he could smell dinner and guessed that it was chicken-cordonblue. how he knew that i do not know. we sat at the table until the adults forced us to get up to go take pictures. they got through all the couples pictures and finally it was our turn. i chose a pole we could pose next to. as we were posing my mom yells out "natalies a pole dancer" i was quite embarressed at my mother but i decided to make it less awkward and replied "he is too!" as i poked nathans chest. we took a goup photo, we did a funny one with nathan in my arms and when i looked at the pictures you cant even see me but he looks so cute:) dinner was fun and really good!
later we arrived at the dance and my family group was the first ones on the dance floor. we partied it up and started to swing dance, jeff taught us some moves and we practiced them the rest of the night. we waltzed during the slow and sometimes just swayed back and forth. my favorite dance was the polka. which you run around the whole dance floor in a circle with everyone else while your spinning and trying not to trip. we got really worn out on that one. dancing was so fun! we tried our best to swing dance and by the end of the night had a nice rythm going! it was never awkward and just had fun! after every 2 dances he would exclaim how much fun he was having, which made me brighten every time.
he would apologize for how gross and sweaty he was, which he wasnt but if he was i wouldnt even care:) i told him that he is lucky he doesnt have long hair that gets crazy snarly. he told me i didnt have that. i knew i did though. i just said, i do but im not letting you see it:P. it was funny how we could talk about our disqusting bodies with eachother.
the best part about the whole night was when we talked about the gospel. we had a couple conversations involving it, mostly talking about how the spirit guides you in your life and i told him about the time when i gave a book of mormon to madis boyfriend dalton. it was cool to talk about the spirit with him.
when i dropped him off he told me this was the funnest dance he has ever been to, i replied "best dance of my life!" and he just stared at me, haha that was the only slightly awkward part of the whole day. he probably just got lost in thought or something.
the next day i could not stop thinking about the previous night! it was so amazing and it was hard to go back to the reality that he didnt like me. (he likes 3 other girls-i know, tough luck right?) well i just kept smiling when ever i thought of last night. then around 4:30 he texted me and said that he was thinking about how much fun he had last night, all day! and we texted from then until 10:30:)
it was so much fun!
i seriously cant handle him!!!:)
im dead. tell me to R.I.P

Emotional Reminiscing

I was hanging out with my dear old friend Madi today. I don’t know why but I got the urge to tell her something that I had done in Jr. High. After she lectured me for a bit I calmed her down and I was able to go home.

Later that night I was having a jolly night with Madi, Kenzie, Taylor and Cadee.

Madi had me tell them the information that i had shared with her earlier.

To be honest, I was scared to.

I knew Kenzie would react the exact same way that Madi did. Or at least I thought.

After mustering much courage I softly stated "I have *)_ myself.

Looking at Kenzie she was appalled and confused. I stared at her waiting for her to bombard me with questions to which I hardly had an answer.

But something entirely different came about. She began to cry. Now I was more confused than ever! Why on earth would she be crying about something I had done to myself??

I asked her this and she turned and asked when I had committed this. I told her it was in Jr. High, and that was when the real tears began trailing her  face. I was so concerned and didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t take back what I said but I didn’t want this to cause her so much pain.

She softly told me how guilty she felt knowing that I had done this while I was her friend. She was torn by the fact that it was now in her past and there was nothing she could do to change the events that came about.

When she shared a secret she had. The tears emerged and fell from my eyes too. I believed what I was hearing. And that was the worst part. I knew it was going on, but to hear it, it was the worst thing. We sat there and held each other, for we both knew there was nothing we could do to change what had happened and honestly I didn’t want to.

After me and Kenzie had let go Madi came over to give me a hug! She lay in my lap like a quiet lap dog and we just sat there. I knew she was there for me in that instant. It meant a lot to know she cared about me.

What had happened made us into who we are today and the friends we are today.

Kenzie and Madi you guys are the most amazing friends. Thank you for caring about me so much to tell me the truth. I love that we are the greatest of friends. You guys have shaped me to be who I am today and I am the luckiest person to call you guys my best friends. You guys have been with me through everything and have been such great examples to me my whole life. I don’t care what people say about high school friends. We will be friends for eve_! Raise our kids together and go on trips together! I feel like we are seriously dating sometimes. haha cause we just have no men, just each other. But anyone reading this, don’t get the wrong impression, we are very much into men. Men just don’t seem to be into us. haha

Never regret your past because it made you who you are today.

I am always so proud to say you guys are my best friends. Love and care about you guys so much. You both are the most amazing people I know. So lucky I was born when I was so I would be adopted into your friendship.

Its true.

Today in my financial lit class I sat next to a familiar man named Denise. We were driving buddies in drivers Ed sophomore year.

I am not so sure how but we got on the topic of my religion.

I am a member of the church of JESUS CHRIST of latter day saints.

He asked me questions concerning what I was able to do on Sunday, what our standards were, what happens when we disobey and last but not least... marriage.

As I full heartily shared my testimony concerning all the above matters I found I could feel the spirit with me, guiding me along, letting me know what to say.

My testimony had grown and I was so grateful that I had read the scriptures the previous night because I know this interaction would have not gone as successfully if I had not.

I would just like to bare my testimony for all to see, because I am not ashamed of my religion and I will defend it till the day I die, for it is what I live for.

I believe with all my heart that this gospel is the true and fully restored gospel on this earth. I know that there was a great apostasy and that Joseph Smith was the wonderful prophet who brought the truth back to us. Many people think that we worship Joseph Smith- he is a great guy and we honor and are thankful to him for what he did for us- but he is not the one we pray to.

I know that prayer is real. For just last night I was praying for a missionary opportunity, and the very next day a friend is drilling me. Never once has my prayers not been answered. Many times it has not been in the way I expect it or want it to be answered, but all the same, it is answered. That truly shows that heavenly father loves me and loves each and every one of his children.

Heavenly father gives us second chances. In fact unlimited chances. If you were a mother or father you would probably understand this better, but for us teenagers we just have to imagine. When you have a child you love them so much that there is no point that they can reach that would make you feel they cannot enter into your arms anymore. You always are reaching for them and just want them to run to you and ask for help.

I am grateful for the atonement. What Christ did for each and every one of us -whether we choose to take advantage of his sacrifice or not- is amazing. A love so unconditional that he would allow himself to go through all that without fighting back. He is truly my savior. He has created the path for me to be able to return to my heavenly father and there is nothing I can do to fully thank him for that. But I’ll start by teaching about him so that he may see as many of his brothers and sisters in eternal life. For I know that will cause him the greatest joy.

 I am in love with the temple. I am so grateful that we have a piece of heaven here with us. That we are able to better communicate with god. I love going there to fill of his spirit that he will be able to direct me to the paths that I must follow. I know that heavenly father and mother are always there for me. That they love me more than my earthly parents do.

I know that president Monson is directed and communicates with god. We are so lucky to have him on the earth with us. I am so grateful that he is here to guide me and warn me about dangers that I could overlook. I love him and pray for him. He is amazing and I will support him in his calling by listening and obeying his voice.

 I will strive my hardest to return safely to my father and mother who love me so much. I am so grateful that the gospel is here and that I can know the truth of all things. And even though I may not understand some things now, I know I will understand them someday. For now I will trust blindly

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

YIPPEE!!!

I have something very exciting.

ive put alot of work into this.

so has my friend kenzie.





Its 'Le Voyage'



yup. its a dance.

me and her choreographed together to compose a dance for our concert this spring. it was chosen to be in the concert. we have been teaching it to our peers for a few weeks now and my excitment is on the highest of levels.

even more so that today..... it was picked to be judged at adjudication.

which is very exciting and honouring, but also very scary.

cause the judges might tear our peice to shreds.

i dont want that to happen.

so hopefully we can convey the emotion.

bye.

vent.

when my mind is going crazy.


I must release the tension



Otherwise insanity will overwhelm me.

vent about what you ask?
sorry but that is not completely going to get answered for risk of revealing my true feelings.


you see. i was told something. this something that was said was said in a matter of seconds. but its been on my mind for days.

WHY?

thats the biggest question.

this shouldnt bother me. and the other half should not spike my interest. If i was a kind human being i would let it go and not let my mind linger. but i guess i am not a kind human.

i know what i should do. but my heart is conflicting against the guidlines of life.
I dont want to cause anyone pain. so i must turn away.

but i cant.

not after i know what i know. Or do I even have my facts straight?

i want to know the truth.

but im scared of it.

the scariest part is that i cant decide what i want the truth to be.

and what if since i might have figured it out the truth has change? and thats when i really wanted it to remain the same.

"it will all end wonderfully. and if it is not wonderful, it is not the end."

thats my 2 cents for today.

Au revior

from a conflicted heart

All is Fair in Love and War

the other night, my friend and i had some unique conversations concerning our attraction to boys. we both suddenly found that we like their butts. ha that was news to us. never once have we found ourselves checking out a member of the opposite sexs' rear end. but now, we have found our self guilty multiple times in just this week. well i guess thats what happens when you get older, your mind changes and does weird things. we talked about our new attractions and people we liked but we never told one another. once each of our admirings were exposed we found that one of them was the same person. it was a sad and pathetic situation. for he was conspiring to get to know our best friend better. well thats the story of our lives. we think a boy is cute and he goes after the lovely other 1/3 of our trio. we have somewhat learned to accept it, cause what else can you do?


i have a very dear man friend. i am very comfortable talking to him about anything. tonight we talked about love. he regretable shared some deep dark secrets from the pit of his heart. but one secret he refused to reveal. it was the identity of a girl he had loved and still does. i do not know why but this secret that was being held from me troubled me greatly. you see he has a girl friend. and he says it is not her whom he loves. i was constantly asking myself why is he with his girl friend if he loves another? he continually told us the reason he was not with his true love is because it has been a constant hit and miss. sadly, the answer to my thought came at once. his girlfriend was a distraction. to sidetrack him from the true desires of his heart that were forcefully kept from him. but who can blame him? this is what the world has come to, you dont get what you want so you find yourself a painkiller to numb the feelings of your aching heart.


i know im droaning on and on. but i know only i will read this so hey mine as well remember what i was thinking, right future natalie? right.


well goodbye for now.

hope the next time you read this things are going better.