Emotional Reminiscing

I was hanging out with my dear old friend Madi today. I don’t know why but I got the urge to tell her something that I had done in Jr. High. After she lectured me for a bit I calmed her down and I was able to go home.

Later that night I was having a jolly night with Madi, Kenzie, Taylor and Cadee.

Madi had me tell them the information that i had shared with her earlier.

To be honest, I was scared to.

I knew Kenzie would react the exact same way that Madi did. Or at least I thought.

After mustering much courage I softly stated "I have *)_ myself.

Looking at Kenzie she was appalled and confused. I stared at her waiting for her to bombard me with questions to which I hardly had an answer.

But something entirely different came about. She began to cry. Now I was more confused than ever! Why on earth would she be crying about something I had done to myself??

I asked her this and she turned and asked when I had committed this. I told her it was in Jr. High, and that was when the real tears began trailing her  face. I was so concerned and didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t take back what I said but I didn’t want this to cause her so much pain.

She softly told me how guilty she felt knowing that I had done this while I was her friend. She was torn by the fact that it was now in her past and there was nothing she could do to change the events that came about.

When she shared a secret she had. The tears emerged and fell from my eyes too. I believed what I was hearing. And that was the worst part. I knew it was going on, but to hear it, it was the worst thing. We sat there and held each other, for we both knew there was nothing we could do to change what had happened and honestly I didn’t want to.

After me and Kenzie had let go Madi came over to give me a hug! She lay in my lap like a quiet lap dog and we just sat there. I knew she was there for me in that instant. It meant a lot to know she cared about me.

What had happened made us into who we are today and the friends we are today.

Kenzie and Madi you guys are the most amazing friends. Thank you for caring about me so much to tell me the truth. I love that we are the greatest of friends. You guys have shaped me to be who I am today and I am the luckiest person to call you guys my best friends. You guys have been with me through everything and have been such great examples to me my whole life. I don’t care what people say about high school friends. We will be friends for eve_! Raise our kids together and go on trips together! I feel like we are seriously dating sometimes. haha cause we just have no men, just each other. But anyone reading this, don’t get the wrong impression, we are very much into men. Men just don’t seem to be into us. haha

Never regret your past because it made you who you are today.

I am always so proud to say you guys are my best friends. Love and care about you guys so much. You both are the most amazing people I know. So lucky I was born when I was so I would be adopted into your friendship.

Its true.

Today in my financial lit class I sat next to a familiar man named Denise. We were driving buddies in drivers Ed sophomore year.

I am not so sure how but we got on the topic of my religion.

I am a member of the church of JESUS CHRIST of latter day saints.

He asked me questions concerning what I was able to do on Sunday, what our standards were, what happens when we disobey and last but not least... marriage.

As I full heartily shared my testimony concerning all the above matters I found I could feel the spirit with me, guiding me along, letting me know what to say.

My testimony had grown and I was so grateful that I had read the scriptures the previous night because I know this interaction would have not gone as successfully if I had not.

I would just like to bare my testimony for all to see, because I am not ashamed of my religion and I will defend it till the day I die, for it is what I live for.

I believe with all my heart that this gospel is the true and fully restored gospel on this earth. I know that there was a great apostasy and that Joseph Smith was the wonderful prophet who brought the truth back to us. Many people think that we worship Joseph Smith- he is a great guy and we honor and are thankful to him for what he did for us- but he is not the one we pray to.

I know that prayer is real. For just last night I was praying for a missionary opportunity, and the very next day a friend is drilling me. Never once has my prayers not been answered. Many times it has not been in the way I expect it or want it to be answered, but all the same, it is answered. That truly shows that heavenly father loves me and loves each and every one of his children.

Heavenly father gives us second chances. In fact unlimited chances. If you were a mother or father you would probably understand this better, but for us teenagers we just have to imagine. When you have a child you love them so much that there is no point that they can reach that would make you feel they cannot enter into your arms anymore. You always are reaching for them and just want them to run to you and ask for help.

I am grateful for the atonement. What Christ did for each and every one of us -whether we choose to take advantage of his sacrifice or not- is amazing. A love so unconditional that he would allow himself to go through all that without fighting back. He is truly my savior. He has created the path for me to be able to return to my heavenly father and there is nothing I can do to fully thank him for that. But I’ll start by teaching about him so that he may see as many of his brothers and sisters in eternal life. For I know that will cause him the greatest joy.

 I am in love with the temple. I am so grateful that we have a piece of heaven here with us. That we are able to better communicate with god. I love going there to fill of his spirit that he will be able to direct me to the paths that I must follow. I know that heavenly father and mother are always there for me. That they love me more than my earthly parents do.

I know that president Monson is directed and communicates with god. We are so lucky to have him on the earth with us. I am so grateful that he is here to guide me and warn me about dangers that I could overlook. I love him and pray for him. He is amazing and I will support him in his calling by listening and obeying his voice.

 I will strive my hardest to return safely to my father and mother who love me so much. I am so grateful that the gospel is here and that I can know the truth of all things. And even though I may not understand some things now, I know I will understand them someday. For now I will trust blindly

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

YIPPEE!!!

I have something very exciting.

ive put alot of work into this.

so has my friend kenzie.





Its 'Le Voyage'



yup. its a dance.

me and her choreographed together to compose a dance for our concert this spring. it was chosen to be in the concert. we have been teaching it to our peers for a few weeks now and my excitment is on the highest of levels.

even more so that today..... it was picked to be judged at adjudication.

which is very exciting and honouring, but also very scary.

cause the judges might tear our peice to shreds.

i dont want that to happen.

so hopefully we can convey the emotion.

bye.

vent.

when my mind is going crazy.


I must release the tension



Otherwise insanity will overwhelm me.

vent about what you ask?
sorry but that is not completely going to get answered for risk of revealing my true feelings.


you see. i was told something. this something that was said was said in a matter of seconds. but its been on my mind for days.

WHY?

thats the biggest question.

this shouldnt bother me. and the other half should not spike my interest. If i was a kind human being i would let it go and not let my mind linger. but i guess i am not a kind human.

i know what i should do. but my heart is conflicting against the guidlines of life.
I dont want to cause anyone pain. so i must turn away.

but i cant.

not after i know what i know. Or do I even have my facts straight?

i want to know the truth.

but im scared of it.

the scariest part is that i cant decide what i want the truth to be.

and what if since i might have figured it out the truth has change? and thats when i really wanted it to remain the same.

"it will all end wonderfully. and if it is not wonderful, it is not the end."

thats my 2 cents for today.

Au revior

from a conflicted heart

All is Fair in Love and War

the other night, my friend and i had some unique conversations concerning our attraction to boys. we both suddenly found that we like their butts. ha that was news to us. never once have we found ourselves checking out a member of the opposite sexs' rear end. but now, we have found our self guilty multiple times in just this week. well i guess thats what happens when you get older, your mind changes and does weird things. we talked about our new attractions and people we liked but we never told one another. once each of our admirings were exposed we found that one of them was the same person. it was a sad and pathetic situation. for he was conspiring to get to know our best friend better. well thats the story of our lives. we think a boy is cute and he goes after the lovely other 1/3 of our trio. we have somewhat learned to accept it, cause what else can you do?


i have a very dear man friend. i am very comfortable talking to him about anything. tonight we talked about love. he regretable shared some deep dark secrets from the pit of his heart. but one secret he refused to reveal. it was the identity of a girl he had loved and still does. i do not know why but this secret that was being held from me troubled me greatly. you see he has a girl friend. and he says it is not her whom he loves. i was constantly asking myself why is he with his girl friend if he loves another? he continually told us the reason he was not with his true love is because it has been a constant hit and miss. sadly, the answer to my thought came at once. his girlfriend was a distraction. to sidetrack him from the true desires of his heart that were forcefully kept from him. but who can blame him? this is what the world has come to, you dont get what you want so you find yourself a painkiller to numb the feelings of your aching heart.


i know im droaning on and on. but i know only i will read this so hey mine as well remember what i was thinking, right future natalie? right.


well goodbye for now.

hope the next time you read this things are going better.